By Gregory Brown, MD/PhD Candidate
Our interactions with others can sometimes feel like a viscous cycle. We enter relationships with the best of intentions, but before we know it, bridges are being burned, hurtful words are being said, and the relationship ends in tatters.
True, our interactions with others can spiral downward, but the same process can cause them to spiral upward. Understanding the cycle enables us to intervene in what we can control and generally radiate positivity throughout all our relationships.
The basic process is below:
Our beliefs influence our actions
This is the foundation of how we interact with the world. We build up a background of beliefs, thoughts, opinions, and perspectives that influences our actions. Our actions are completely under our control. Our beliefs not so much. However, being aware of our beliefs gives us the opportunity to determine if the influence is beneficial or detrimental and then alter how we act.
Our actions impact other beliefs
The way we act with others impacts how their beliefs about us. Just like us, they are forming their own perspective of the world. It is inherentl impossible for them to fully understand our beliefs, because they have never lived our life. But they do form opinions based on our actions. Be mindful of your actions, because everyone is judging. They cannot help it, we are programed that way.
Others’ beliefs cause their actions
This is the point in the cycle where many people struggle to see others’ perspective. We know that our actions are not the same as our beliefs. Everyone makes mistakes. But for some reason, we do not afford that same luxurary to others. When they have actions that we disagree with, it is because they are intrinsically a bad person (at least that is what we tell ourselves). However, when we perform bad actions, we tell ourselves it is due to extrinsic circumstances. Seems a little hypocritical.
Other’s actions reinforce our beliefs.
The way we interact with others perpetuates our beliefs about ourselves and the relationship. This is how the cycle begins to propagate. If the actions others perform towards us are negative, we will retaliate with negative actions, but often not place as much negative emotions about ourselves as we do about them. However, if we have begun by generating positive actions and instilling positive beliefs into others, they will in turn reinforce the norms of the relationship. This enables the cycle to continue to build trust and acceptance.
The cycle is a form of self-fulfilling prophecy, and you only control half of it. But you must take responsibility for the half that you do control. Starting the cycle with a positive perspective can build strong relationships and a generally beneficial community.